“When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter society, one of the politer names of hell. That is why we dread children, even if we love them, they show us the state of our decay.”—Brian W. Aldiss
Is it bad that I feel overprotective of my spots? Even though some if not most of them are public places? Like the Harbor or Celebration. Meh. I just like to feel like I’m the only one who’s found these places or one of the few. hmm.
Why did I think something so morbid earlier? Well it’s cause I feel like my body is finally crapping out on me. All of those years of not going to the doctor and not having medical insurance are getting to me.
Everything that could be going wrong with my body right now is…For instance, at this current moment I feel like puking and I have a migraine due to this tooth I broke somehow. Also my ear is bleeding, though I have no clue if that is normal cause I just pierced my ear. It was probably the wrong time to do so.
Ugh…body, let’s keep it together. At least until I can get some sort of insurance. Fuck.
another late night/early morning. Lately I haven’t been going to bed before 4 and it’s killing me! Why am so irresponsible?
Recent events have really shaped my view on this world and my life. This month thus far has been really bad. I have discovered that I am whiny, needy, little thing. I’m not control of my life and it’s killing me. Control is my everything. Not gonna lie.
I feel so high right now…like not drug high, but high. in the Sky. It’s weird.
Anyways…this month has been rough. Ridiculous. I will go into more detail later but…things aren’t looking the best. I always remind myself though, that things will always get worse before they get better. It’s the nature of human life.
Is there anything wrong with wanting to hold on to some part of your childhood?
I mean I’ve always wanted to grow up with some part of childhood in tact. I want to always love Pokemon and Simple Plan. I don’t ever want to completely change because I would feel like I’m living a lie. I want to grow up and be a conglomerate, a golem, of Irvin’s. The good and the bad Irvin’s. I feel bad when people tell me I’m too old to play in parks because some part knows it’s true. I know that one day I’m gonna have to find a different means of happiness that isn’t in a park. The fact that I acknowledge that means I’m maturing, but the fact that I resent myself for it means I’m just stepping back. The thought of that happening makes me want to throw up. Literally.
I will always be a child at heart…at least for now. Because now it’s the only thing that makes me feel anything close to pure happiness and I’m not letting that go anytime soon.